alone.

     16 envar. Im soo tired of trying to be strong and accepting of my fate. I am so tired of the world being expected of me and no one to make me accountable for my actions. I am sooo tired of what I feel happening to me everyday. Why don't they come back for me? Am I not good enough to be sent for? To be needed? The Ost is still unhappy with me. I have not given him adequate reasons for my down time. I am sure he has his own conclusions as to why I hesitate to go to his feet, but I think more then ever I feel less then as a slave. Everyday I feel a bit more of the depression I have been fighting sinking into my pours and trying to win me over. I have so far fought the valiant fight, but its a struggle every day now. I see how Masters and even Mistresses fawn over their slaves, and discipline them when they need it. I see them strive to make better beasts of their property. I am in limbo. Sometimes the Ost will give me guidence about something but most of the time I am having to remind myself and check my own actions. How does one continue to smile when they are dying inside? Can you answer me that?

......

     I have been out of sorts lately. Last hand was my anniversary.. the fourth that I have spent alone and without my owners. I sat in the kitchens of the house, I cooked a small meal and I danced for the Sleen Trainer, who in turn used the shit out of me until my bones ached. Sometimes I wish I could find a caravan to take me to the Oasis.. I wish I could find them and reunite. The Mistress Katashnia I see often enough in the common area's of the city. Her and the Ost seam to share a silent and respectful relationship.

   The Ost has tied a dark red velvet ribbon to my collar that dangles down my back and tickles the tops of my ass cheeks. I think I know his motivation behind it.. but it only serves to make me more nutty. I have been a woman's slave for sooo many years I haven't been known to crawl slithering across the ground on my belly begging to be used. It definitely reminds me how to walk.. it keeps me on my toes for sure. I don't know what it is about the Ost.. he both makes me crazy, and he makes me want to breathe, and strive to be a better slave at the same time. I cant even share with you in words what he does to my insides, my very psyche when I am at his feet. It makes me want to kill and steal and commit heinous crimes for his pleasure.. and at the same time.. I hate him that he does not take me and make me his.. and treat me like he does Lyla. A slave.. a woman needs to be treated as such once in awhile.. reminded of her place at the feet of men. I am allowed to get away with way too much and I hate it. I wish someone would remind me of my collar once in awhile without me always having to check myself at the door. Its hard to maintain the level expected of a Taharian's slave without constant reminders. I do well enough. The Ost sends me to the feet of his brethren because he says I please him enough, and he trusts me to serve well. I know I do my best, and I am glad hetrusts me not to displease. To put his name on my service by sending me to the feet of his friends and the people of his homeland. Sometimes.. I just want to be still.. and listen to him breathe. To hear the steady tap tap tap of his rings on his cane. To bask in the knowledge that I please him.... even if it is only sometimes.

Osts and Sleen

     My I dont know where to start. I have been still without my owners now for so long I fear they may not return. I am growing weary of going through the motions everyday. As a slave I continue to do what is expected of me... but yesterday I made a huge mistake. A man who comes from the same steamy hot desert as the Pasha has been my obsession as of late. Whenever my chores are done at the estate I usually go to the waterfalls park and look for him and Uppity. At his feet I always end up. I cant help myself. There is something about this man that is different then most. I made a huge mistake yesterday like I said I usually will go to his side and settle on my belly until he deams it fit to allow me to kneel up and speak. Yesterday I came to the clearing and I spoke to him outloud from a standing position even before I had a chance to kneel at his feet. I was stupid. He is a man greatly vested in his culture and I up and opened my mouth like a foul mouthed wench spewing words at him without permission or care. Im an idiot. He will probabally never let me be at his feet again. I can only Imagine what he was thinking when he struck me last night. It will take alot of begging to get him to notice me again.. I think. If he ever will again. I just wish I would of used my head. Maybe subconsiously I wished to offend him so that I would be punished. I have not been disciplined or punished for a damned thing in so long maybe I did it so I could feel the reprocussions of my actions for once. I can see that maybe being stupid but true. I suppose I could soul search on that a bit. I have a nice bruise on my cheek and a busted lip to remind me of my idiocy. Hopefully he will forgive me when next I see him.

Look at all the lonely people

     I remember once upon a time I used to sit at the feet of my Mistress and comb over medical journals. I was destined to the medical field before I was enslaved and she did not want me to fail in that. So in her free time and mine we would sit by the hearth and she would quiz me until my eyes and ears bled ( not literally mind you ). More times then  not she would allow me into her clinic when she was working and let me watch her operate on people, or else she would allow me to assist on un major surgeries. I miss those times very much. Most times I carry the small bag she allows me with supplies just incase. I never have had need yet to use it.. but I would if I had to. And I would not be afraid of the consequence there after either. I have noticed here in Ar that alot of people pretend to follow a caste that they do not seam to belong to. Its strange but what can you say? I am not one to walk up to a Master and say... " Hey Bub... you should be a scribe instead of a warrior... your entirely too small to wield a sword with any real swing.." but I my mouth shut... because the reality is we are all very lonely and being that, we wish to cling to the warmth of those near by us.. not piss them off with senseless nonsense. I miss... closeness and companionships.. maybe someday the Pasha will bring Lyra home and I will not be lonely anymore....