alone.

     16 envar. Im soo tired of trying to be strong and accepting of my fate. I am so tired of the world being expected of me and no one to make me accountable for my actions. I am sooo tired of what I feel happening to me everyday. Why don't they come back for me? Am I not good enough to be sent for? To be needed? The Ost is still unhappy with me. I have not given him adequate reasons for my down time. I am sure he has his own conclusions as to why I hesitate to go to his feet, but I think more then ever I feel less then as a slave. Everyday I feel a bit more of the depression I have been fighting sinking into my pours and trying to win me over. I have so far fought the valiant fight, but its a struggle every day now. I see how Masters and even Mistresses fawn over their slaves, and discipline them when they need it. I see them strive to make better beasts of their property. I am in limbo. Sometimes the Ost will give me guidence about something but most of the time I am having to remind myself and check my own actions. How does one continue to smile when they are dying inside? Can you answer me that?