I went to the falls park, drunk on ambition, trembling with fear, and high on anticipation. I had spent two nights before in the cages beneath the arena with my Master, and was more steadfast in my knowledge of my love and adoration of the man who owned me when I came across the Taharian. The taharian never in all my years has ever owned me. He never claimed to either. I only threw myself at his feet on a daily basis because I knew he was the one man, that I had to serve. There was no choice in the matter. I could not breathe if I was not at his feet. He was like Lar Torvis, I rotated in his orbit and swam in his gravitational pull gladly. I fell at his feet when he came, and whimpered and cried and moaned until he left. Then I would shut off until he returned. I would follow him to his shop in Ar and watch him with his slaves. I would beg to the kings that he would find favor with me... I never was owned by him. That I have to remind myself of today. I went to his feet, like it is required of me if I am not in service. I knelt there and shared an orbit with Uppity. He asked me why I was such an emotional wreck at his feet, I claimed obsession.. he told me I was only gving him half the truth. I was quiet as he spoke with Uppity and then I couldnt help myself as a strange sound came from my lips and I blurted it out. I was scared! I didnt know what to say! So I told him all of it. That I loved him, and he was my Lar Torvis and there was nothing I could do to change it. He was silent then and left me crying and pondering my words. I wanted to die. I wish I had. It was that night that my Master came. He was with a bunch of chained men from he prison compound, sent out to clean up after a long day of work around the city. I was suprised to see him. My heart broke when I saw what they had done to him since last I saw him two nights passed. He often takes punishments for my visits.. I think they may have again. I ran to him. I did not care of the guards beat me, or him I had to see him!! Right away he noticed my eyes and asked me what was wrong. I told him then, about the Taharian. About how despite my feelings for my Master, the Taharian forced from me to hear how I felt, I was not permitted to lie to him. My Master became someone else in those moments, he was cruel. He made me admit to things I did not want to relive. I hated the Taharian then for bringing these feelings back in me. They were ripping apart my heart,and turning my Master, my love, away from me. He looked as if I stabbed him in the chest. His face was shocked when I told him I also loved the Taharian. I told him he owned and Mastered what mattered. That I loved him with the best parts of me, my head and my heart.. he didnt care. After much explaining, I was sent away from his feet. He is not just my Lar Torvis.. he is my whole universe. Without him... I am lost. I must figure this out before it is too late. I belong with Hestius, I long to serve the Taharian, as a memory and a feeling revered.. I don't know what to do.. ( More coming have to get ready for work :) )
It has been several hands since I have been able to come up with a plan to get into the prison to see my owner. Oh.. I suppose I should catch you up on that. My owner is in prision in Ar. He, after a long trial is going to the salt mines. I have heard of a plot to help him escape but I am not privy to the plans of men. he was tried for killing two men of his Caste, in his city to help a known criminal escape. In his absence, I have been slipping into the prison to sneek small and sweet visits with him to keep him posted on his properties and investments and to give him the small comforts of his slave. He gets angry but does not contest my loyalty. He was not even too angry when I showed up in the guise of a freewoman and slipped into the prison gates portraying a physcian. He understands I suppose. At least I hope he does. On a recent visit to the falls park, usually a once daily vigil I saw him again. The Ost. I have heard one or two people mention his name and I have read it on the collars of Jalynne and Koura. His name is Jacopo. He is the one man that could take me away from my Master, all the struggles, the sneeking around, all of it. He is my one true obsession. I would follow him to the ends of Gor if I had to. He trumps everything and everyone. I cant explain why, he just does. Something eminates from his skin, his eyes, his lips. I wish I had words for it. I wish I could figure out why this one man obliterates all things with just a look, but I cant. He left Ar for two envar almost and I was sure he, like the Pasha and his lady would be gone for good. You can say I was suprised beyond anything to come across the clearing, kneel by my trusted fire ring and hear the soft tick tick tick of his presence. The tick of his ring on his walking stick. I froze, and when I finally thawed and sought him out my body folded to the grass, forced by the sudden weight of emotions I thought I would not feel again. I crawled low down and dirty to his feet and he placed his sandal on my hand. He asked why I was so emotional. I told him only half the truth, I missed him, heI couldnt help but let the tears flow as I realized the object of all things had returned to me. Well to Ar.. but I wished secretly it was for me. Last I had seen him he was beyond disapointed in me. He took my ribbons, and my name and left. I will strive beyond measure to prove my worth to him again. Yesterday I went to the park to seek his feet and he gave me the hem of his robe to hold.. perhaps he does not hate me as much as I imagined.. I will seek him again today.. see if I might hold his robes again.. maybe