The needs sometime override the result.

:: Plucking the petals off a flower she dropped the stem from her grip and frowned. :: He loves me not. Perhaps I will don the dancing silks I have made from my favorite robes and ask in a physical way what I should do and why? I left the silks on the mat I sleep on when he doesnt come home. Perhaps when he comes tonight he will see them and I will be allowed to wear them. He does not like when I am vauge. I can not help it. I have never been very good with words.

Freedom... at what cost to love?

I knew it was coming, freedom. He had told me he would free me. I think he thought freedom would give a new and exciting aspect to our relationship. I am not sure it did that exactly. I feel small and lost now in all these layers of robes and veils. Its like I have been smothered into a new role I was not prepared to play. Soon after he freed me we embarked on an adventure of sorts into the Tahari. His sister, Dace, a slave called Bird, himself and I along with a few men and wagons headed into the sands. We visited Tor. In Tor I heard word that my mother still lived and that she was in Sand Sleen a wealthy woman. I wondered where she had made her money. I suppose it didnt matter as long as she was alive. When we were in Tor, the son of the Pasha of my Oasis.. the one my father had promised my hand too when I was so young found word that I had survived the raid on our hospital in the jungle and he went wild searching for me in the markets. He even assaulted free women in his search. Hestius and I with our party left the city quickly for the sands. A few days later we were raided in the night by bandits. I was not sure if they were members of the Pasha's war party, so I told Hestius they were not. We survived the raid, not without injury. Hestius was slashed across his back again in a place much similar to the wound that started us on this journey in the first place. We found the relic he searched for.. and my mother. I have a confession to make. I think my mother set my father and I up. How else would they know the secret hospital location. The fear I had in that dense jungle. It was done so quickly and easily. They knew all of our secret places. It doesnt matter. We survived the raid and after some time in the desert returned to Ar. In the time we were away I grew distant from Hestius. I think he was suspicious of my actions and motives in the sands. In truth I was suffering something I never thought I would. I wanted to he his slave. I wanted to be looked at again in the way he used to look at me when I was before. I couldnt give myself to him in robes and veils. There was talk of companionship amongst the men. That they were not sure if Hestius would companion me. If Dace should so that I would not be a woman without a man. So I could have the children required to practice my Caste in Ar's walls. It was all such bosk shit to me. I didnt want any of it. I only wanted him. When we returned to Ar I pretended like I was happy. I worked and I played the part of a woman content to just be the woman in a man's house. Not his companion but his lover. We hardly shared those moments either. I missed him. I followed him with Dace and another man to the parks. I took a deep breath and started to remove all the layers he had forced upon me. I was nearly naked when I broke forth from the treeline and headed towards him. The last of my garments I folded and set aside when I reached his feet. I fell to my knees and crawled, begging with my body to not be denied. I raised my arms and I submitted to him. infront of Ar and all of its inhabitants I submitted to my Master. It took him a long time to move I was sure he would stand and end my life then and there. Instead he accepted my submission. Things were different for me. I had never been free and begged slavery before. When he accepted my submission ever inch of me was exalted! He wanted me! Me! Soon after I begged his collar we were back at the forge and I was told to choose a strap. For the first time in my life I was beaten by a Master. My Master. I tried to be strong but it wasnt long before I was begging him to stop. He asked me of I knew why I was beaten. I answered him the best I could. I said " Because you want me to know that you are the Master and I am the slave, that you can do so at your whim because it is your right to do so. To inform me of my punishment if I slip " He was pleased. I was welted and bruised, but happy. I was his.. he was my Master, and that was that. After the beating there was much touching and talking and love making between us. Things are different for him now. I think he has found himself yearning for the affections of another. I am afterall... only his slave. What has this cost us? True and undying love? I suppose eventually even the brightest flames simmer. I only wish there was something I could do to remind him of the past. I dont like the look in his eyes when I kneel at his feet any longer. I think when I am there, at his feet, he wishes I was someone else...... ( purposely she left the book out where he could find and read it so maybe he would be prepared when next she assulted him with her questions like she always does heh )

Blood Letting

Sometimes the only way to say I love you.. is to bleed.
I discovered this in a strange and unusual way with the man who owns me. There was something missing. I felt my connection with him was vanishing. I felt the chains that bind me to him coming loose.. it was strange, I had never felt that disconnected from him in the short amount of time I had been his slave. Even though all the time he was on trial and in prison. Something came loose and I needed to resolidify the attachment. There was a moment when the only thing that made sence was an oath, an oath made with the blood from our veins, spilling over our lips, mingling in our mouths..Let me explain.. ( to be continued )

absent scribblings

It has been a long time coming that I write in this book. Things have been so upside down. There was many times when writing was so far beyond the simple taking of a pen and placing it to these pages.. so many time this book could of given me insight and solace, but I have neglected it, and my own peace of mind in doing so. My owner, he was purchased from the guards in the arena of Ar by a woman ( I am using this term lightly of course. Bitch, animal and beastly wretch... might be more appropriate ) named Samantha Freely. She.. made of my Master.. a slave. Let me catch you up on a few events. I was staying in the forge. There was a place I would venture to when I wished to speak to those who could understand the fact that I was alone but did not report me to the city kennels. I was fed, and given a warm cloak but I was basically alone. So one night, shortly after my Master and I had come together again I was at the falls, tending my fire ring like always when a man came and called out my name. I quickly looked up and when he beckoned me, well I followed. I was not sure who he was so I did not make the mistake of being an idiot and denying him his request. He dragged me to a Inn where I slept chained to the ring aside a couch in which he never came to sleep in. I was beginning to think I had been discovered or sold when he came and unchained me and took me to a large estate just outside the city. It was not long after this I was brought to the feet of Ardella, and just to pour salt into the wound, there was Connor. I was sure I was doomed when I was sent to the kennels below the house. This however was just the beginning...

Lar Torvis and the Universe

I went to the falls park, drunk on ambition, trembling with fear, and high on anticipation. I had spent two nights before in the cages beneath the arena with my Master, and was more steadfast in my knowledge of my love and adoration of the man who owned me when I came across the Taharian. The taharian never in all my years has ever owned me. He never claimed to either. I only threw myself at his feet on a daily basis because I knew he was the one man, that I had to serve. There was no choice in the matter. I could not breathe if I was not at his feet. He was like Lar Torvis, I rotated in his orbit and swam in his gravitational pull gladly. I fell at his feet when he came, and whimpered and cried and moaned until he left. Then I would shut off until he returned. I would follow him to his shop in Ar and watch him with his slaves. I would beg to the kings that he would find favor with me... I never was owned by him. That I have to remind myself of today. I went to his feet, like it is required of me if I am not in service. I knelt there and shared an orbit with Uppity. He asked me why I was such an emotional wreck at his feet, I claimed obsession.. he told me I was only gving him half the truth. I was quiet as he spoke with Uppity and then I couldnt help myself as a strange sound came from my lips and I blurted it out. I was scared! I didnt know what to say! So I told him all of it. That I loved him, and he was my Lar Torvis and there was nothing I could do to change it. He was silent then and left me crying and pondering my words. I wanted to die. I wish I had. It was that night that my Master came. He was with a bunch of chained men from he prison compound, sent out to clean up after a long day of work around the city. I was suprised to see him. My heart broke when I saw what they had done to him since last I saw him two nights passed. He often takes punishments for my visits.. I think they may have again. I ran to him. I did not care of the guards beat me, or him I had to see him!! Right away he noticed my eyes and asked me what was wrong. I told him then, about the Taharian. About how despite my feelings for my Master, the Taharian forced from me to hear how I felt, I was not permitted to lie to him. My Master became someone else in those moments, he was cruel. He made me admit to things I did not want to relive. I hated the Taharian then for bringing these feelings back in me. They were ripping apart my heart,and turning my Master, my love, away from me. He looked as if I stabbed him in the chest. His face was shocked when I told him I also loved the Taharian. I told him he owned and Mastered what mattered. That I loved him with the best parts of me, my head and my heart.. he didnt care. After much explaining, I was sent away from his feet. He is not just my Lar Torvis.. he is my whole universe. Without him... I am lost. I must figure this out before it is too late. I belong with Hestius, I long to serve the Taharian, as a memory and a feeling revered.. I don't know what to do.. ( More coming have to get ready for work :) )

Coming full circle, it can hurt.

It has been several hands since I have been able to come up with a plan to get into the prison to see my owner. Oh.. I suppose I should catch you up on that. My owner is in prision in Ar. He, after a long trial is going to the salt mines. I have heard of a plot to help him escape but I am not privy to the plans of men. he was tried for killing two men of his Caste, in his city to help a known criminal escape. In his absence, I have been slipping into the prison to sneek small and sweet visits with him to keep him posted on his properties and investments and to give him the small comforts of his slave. He gets angry but does not contest my loyalty. He was not even too angry when I showed up in the guise of a freewoman and slipped into the prison gates portraying a physcian. He understands I suppose. At least I hope he does. On a recent visit to the falls park, usually a once daily vigil I saw him again. The Ost. I have heard one or two people mention his name and I have read it on the collars of Jalynne and Koura. His name is Jacopo. He is the one man that could take me away from my Master, all the struggles, the sneeking around, all of it. He is my one true obsession. I would follow him to the ends of Gor if I had to. He trumps everything and everyone. I cant explain why, he just does. Something eminates from his skin, his eyes, his lips. I wish I had words for it. I wish I could figure out why this one man obliterates all things with just a look, but I cant. He left Ar for two envar almost and I was sure he, like the Pasha and his lady would be gone for good. You can say I was suprised beyond anything to come across the clearing, kneel by my trusted fire ring and hear the soft tick tick tick of his presence. The tick of his ring on his walking stick. I froze, and when I finally thawed and sought him out my body folded to the grass, forced by the sudden weight of emotions I thought I would not feel again. I crawled low down and dirty to his feet and he placed his sandal on my hand. He asked why I was so emotional. I told him only half the truth, I missed him, heI couldnt help but let the tears flow as I realized the object of all things had returned to me. Well to Ar.. but I wished secretly it was for me. Last I had seen him he was beyond disapointed in me. He took my ribbons, and my name and left. I will strive beyond measure to prove my worth to him again. Yesterday I went to the park to seek his feet and he gave me the hem of his robe to hold.. perhaps he does not hate me as much as I imagined.. I will seek him again today.. see if I might hold his robes again.. maybe