alone.

     16 envar. Im soo tired of trying to be strong and accepting of my fate. I am so tired of the world being expected of me and no one to make me accountable for my actions. I am sooo tired of what I feel happening to me everyday. Why don't they come back for me? Am I not good enough to be sent for? To be needed? The Ost is still unhappy with me. I have not given him adequate reasons for my down time. I am sure he has his own conclusions as to why I hesitate to go to his feet, but I think more then ever I feel less then as a slave. Everyday I feel a bit more of the depression I have been fighting sinking into my pours and trying to win me over. I have so far fought the valiant fight, but its a struggle every day now. I see how Masters and even Mistresses fawn over their slaves, and discipline them when they need it. I see them strive to make better beasts of their property. I am in limbo. Sometimes the Ost will give me guidence about something but most of the time I am having to remind myself and check my own actions. How does one continue to smile when they are dying inside? Can you answer me that?

......

     I have been out of sorts lately. Last hand was my anniversary.. the fourth that I have spent alone and without my owners. I sat in the kitchens of the house, I cooked a small meal and I danced for the Sleen Trainer, who in turn used the shit out of me until my bones ached. Sometimes I wish I could find a caravan to take me to the Oasis.. I wish I could find them and reunite. The Mistress Katashnia I see often enough in the common area's of the city. Her and the Ost seam to share a silent and respectful relationship.

   The Ost has tied a dark red velvet ribbon to my collar that dangles down my back and tickles the tops of my ass cheeks. I think I know his motivation behind it.. but it only serves to make me more nutty. I have been a woman's slave for sooo many years I haven't been known to crawl slithering across the ground on my belly begging to be used. It definitely reminds me how to walk.. it keeps me on my toes for sure. I don't know what it is about the Ost.. he both makes me crazy, and he makes me want to breathe, and strive to be a better slave at the same time. I cant even share with you in words what he does to my insides, my very psyche when I am at his feet. It makes me want to kill and steal and commit heinous crimes for his pleasure.. and at the same time.. I hate him that he does not take me and make me his.. and treat me like he does Lyla. A slave.. a woman needs to be treated as such once in awhile.. reminded of her place at the feet of men. I am allowed to get away with way too much and I hate it. I wish someone would remind me of my collar once in awhile without me always having to check myself at the door. Its hard to maintain the level expected of a Taharian's slave without constant reminders. I do well enough. The Ost sends me to the feet of his brethren because he says I please him enough, and he trusts me to serve well. I know I do my best, and I am glad hetrusts me not to displease. To put his name on my service by sending me to the feet of his friends and the people of his homeland. Sometimes.. I just want to be still.. and listen to him breathe. To hear the steady tap tap tap of his rings on his cane. To bask in the knowledge that I please him.... even if it is only sometimes.